A Ripple of laughter

Baroness Campbell of Surbiton was made a peer two or three years ago because of her services on behalf of the disabled. She speaks in the Lords from a wheelchair and is a Crossbencher (does not take any party whip)

“As I am unable to move unaided, I sleep on a ripple bed, which prevents me developing pressure sores. The mattress developed a serious puncture. It had been good for years and years, and I used to mend the holes with a puncture repair outfit from the bicycle shop, but eventually the mattress had had it.

I went on to the internet and found an exact replica costing £200, and I did this to save the Primary Care Trust time and effort.
But the PCT insisted on sending out a district nurse to reassess me, even though I gave an assurance that my condition had not changed, and that the mattress was only a replica. But it was not to be.

Instead, there followed a series of very costly visits. The first involved a 16-page questionnaire.

My pulse was taken and I was asked how many times a day I go to the loo. I am not sure what that had to do with the bed, but there you go.

The district nurse asked if I had a pressure sore, and of course I said, "No, I use a ripple bed".

She replied: "Oh. In that case, you don't need a ripple bed and I can't give you one!"

I pointed out that the reason I did not have pressure sores was because I used a ripple bed. It is called prevention.

The district nurse then told me that I would need to see the tissue viability nurse as she was not authorised to give me a replacement mattress.

The more expert professional assessed me, looked at the 16-page form and said I needed a super-duper, extra-thick air mattress costing £3,000.

It was not what I wanted. Not least because it would raise me a foot above my husband in our bed.

To that the nurse retorted: "But my patients don't sleep in double beds".

I thought that that would be tricky for our marital relationship.

The nurse then said, "Anyway, take it or leave it".

I said that I would take the air mattress, sell it on eBay, then use the cash to buy a lifetime's supply of ripple mattresses.

At that, the nurse went back to the office and the PCT relented.

I am happy to inform the Minister that I have saved the NHS £2,650.